Borderline Personality Disorder

Recovering from Borderline personality disorder

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I’m not going to

But I feel like I really need to go to Canada. Immediately.

I harbour the delusion that all my problems will go away if I relocate. This is not true, and chances are I’d freak out because I’d be so far from my comfort zone. But still the urge to go somewhere far away is there. It’s always a place I’ve romanticized and it’ll never live up to my expectations but I still have the strongest urge to go. I feel like I’ll get myself back if I go on some journey.
How can I have left myself in Vancouver though? I’ve never been to Vancouver.

Also the goal of recovery is not to recover my past self, it is to rediscover and create a new and better self that is appropriate to now.

I really wish I wasn’t so restricted by fear. Can’t drink, can’t go out in public in the evenings, can’t have fun, can’t dance, can’t flirt.

Filed under rambling mental health bpd recovery anxiety

7,459 notes



People with anxiety:

  • Know the worry is irrational
  • Want to calm down but can’t
  • Hate the fact that breathing feels like you are trying to breathe rocks instead of air
  • Feel like they are drowning and suffocating.  Telling them to just take a breath and calm down doesnt help.
  • Want to stop shaking but can’t control their limbs.
  • Just plain feel horrible and embarrassed.

Now I kinda understand anxiety from my friends a little

My therapist says to practise mindfulness by focusing on your feet, imagine you are breathing into your big toe and out through your knee (this makes more sense when you actually practise it) you just imagine that’s where all the energy is moving to. Anxiety can’t exist below the waist, so that’s why you focus on your feet. it helps if you are standing or are sitting with your feet flat on the floor. Practice when you feel fine and eventually you’ll be able to nip anxiety in the bud. supposedly, I haven’t been fully successful but it’s helped keep anxiety from blowing over into panic.

(via mentalmummy77)

Filed under anxiety panic mental health awareness coping

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I think a neighbour of mine has a whale song cd

Whatever it is, it’s all new-age with perennial and vague sounds all elongated and overwrought. Pretty sure that’s what whales sound like. Or somebody playing a string instrument a very long way away in a room with terrible echoing acoustics. It’s the kind of music that gets played in those shops that sell incense and batik throws and little statues of Budai.

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Spend your free time the way you like, not the way you think you’re supposed to. Stay home on New Year’s Eve if that’s what makes you happy. Skip the committee meeting. Cross the street to avoid making aimless chitchat with random acquaintances. Read. Cook. Run. Write a story.
Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking  (via aviolafyre)

(Source: technojournee, via borderlinelife)

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Yesterday I went to the zoo with my mum…

And got attacked by a goat in the petting zoo area.

Also I managed my anxiety quite well, took lots of blurry photos, stared at the red pandas for ages and interacted socially with some monkeys.

Well, maybe it wasn’t social interaction, I was chatting and he kept staring through the glass and trying to move his mouth in the same shapes. He kept following his friend around (his friend was not interested in me at all) but kept stopping to star back at me when I didn’t follow round the edge of the enclosure.

I also watched some golden lion tamarins fight over a bell pepper.

And I watched a pygmy hippo change its mind about having a bath.

I saw lots of animals nope-ing hard in the shade. it was super hot, it was 33 degrees (91.4 fahrenheit for those of you still in the ’50s or the USA)

I didn’t have an appetite at all and kept interpreting my anxiety and natural bowel movements as “YOU ARE DYING” but I managed a bit of pasta and some crackers and had plenty of fluids to drink. Then I ate a big dinner to make up for it.

I’ve decided the best time to go to the zoo is probably the first week of the school term, because there’s very unlikely to be any school trips there because they take time to organise the money and everything and no school is going to be so organised as to get a trip ready in the first week.

Also this weather has convinced me that my dream house has a verandah, to keep it all shady and cool in the summer and also so you can have the window open when it’s raining. Maybe one day I’ll be financially successful enough to build my own house and it’ll be perf.

Filed under zoo anxiety appetite food good day attacked by goat animals coping fun

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My little sister is badass and has a 6-foot longbow. If you upset me I’ll send her to fuck you up. (not really going to send my sister to kill/maim/injure anybody, fyi, in case any police are reading this)
Also check out that fancy leather gauntlet. Super fancy.

Filed under wonderful people family sister badass longbow

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Making an “Alternatives” Jar

For anybody with issues with binge eating, purging, and/or self-harm (or any other type of urge), an “alternatives” jar is a good project! It is a jar filled with popsicle sticks that have things written on them that you can do when your urge hits, as an alternative to the urge.

You need:

  1. A glass jar (I used a small 8 oz old jar that I had left from a jar of jam- you can get these for $1 in some places with the jam)
  2. Popsicle sticks (I used 70 regular-sized ones from a pack of 1,000 craft sticks that I bought for $5)
  3. Markers (I used Bic Mark-It Permanent Markers, but any other marker should work, even dollar-store markers)
  4. Paints, as many colors as you want (I used Apple Barrel brand acrylic paints, which run for $0.50-$0.57 per 2 oz container at Wal Mart). 
  5. Paint brushes to use for the paints (I used Plaid brand sponge brushes, which I got for $1 for 4, and a pack of 24 different brushes which were $5 each)
  6. Ribbons and washi (decorative/paper) tape ($0.50-$3.50 per roll, however you want)

Items 4-6 are optional! You can use as much or as little paint as you want. You should only need one bottle if you are doing one color; however, you may want more!


  1. Gather your materials :) (not too hard!)
  2. Decide how many sticks your jar will hold. Mine held 70 craft sticks; some can hold more!
  3. Decide how many colors you want to use, and if you want the colors to mean anything.
  4. Paint the craft sticks!! Do this on a surface easily cleaned, thrown away, or that you don’t mind getting messy! I used a lid from a plastic tote. You can either put the paints on a palette (if you have one), or dab it onto the sponge brushes and then paint.
  5. Let your painted sticks dry.
  6. While you are letting them dry, you can decorate your jar. Some permanent markers work on glass; others don’t. You can try them though! Acrylic paints don’t always work on glass, also. I used washi tape and ribbons, using a hot glue gun to attach the ribbons to the jar. The tape and ribbons can be removed from the jar if I so choose (so that way I can re-use the jar or re-decorate if I want to)
  7. Once the sticks dry, write on them!!

Ideas for how to use color:

You can see that I used 7 colors, each with 10 sticks. Colors can be used to denote:

  1. Type of urge (especially useful if you have multiple types)
  2. Type of emotion behind the urge or activity (feeling sad, guilty, angry, lonely, wanting sensation, etc)
  3. Amount of time the activity takes (5 min, 10 min, 15 min, 30 min, 1 hr, over 1 hr)
  4. Amount of money you’d have to invest (ie, totally free things, things you can spend $1 on, things you’d have to spend $5 on, etc)

How to use:

  1. When your urge hits, pick a color or colors to represent what you need. For example: red for me are things to get anger out, so if I’m wanting to purge because I am angry, I will choose the red sticks.
  2. Pick one stick of that color. Do that activity, and put the stick to the side. If, after you’re done with the activity, the urge is still there, pick another stick.
  3. Keep choosing sticks until the urge is gone (or you have other things you have to do)
  4. If the urge hasn’t gone away, but you are done with your sticks: choose another color and keep going.

Ideas for what to write on your sticks

  1. 101 things to do besides binge
  2. More binge alternatives
  3. Alternatives to binge eating/purging
  4. Alternatives to self-harm
  5. More alternatives to self-harm

Idea based off of: Coping Bank and Binge Jar

this looks fun and super cute!

I will add it to my massive to-do list and maybe do it one day :)

(my problem behaviour is procrastintion, ho ho)

(via unseen-sweetie)

Filed under self harm alternatives binge eating alternatives dysfunctional behaviour alternatives coping mechanisms craft project

1,658 notes

My counselor gave me a handout on Grounding and I thought it would be very helpful for some of you. So I’m going to type it out for you guys here.


Detaching From Emotional Pain (Grounding)

What Is Grounding?
Grounding is a set of simple strategies to detach from emotional pain (for example, drug cravings, self-harm impulses, anger, sadness). Distraction works by focusing outward on the external world - rather than inward toward the self. You can also think of it as a “distraction,” “centering,” “a safe place,” “looking outward,” or “healthy detachment.”

Why Do Grounding?
When you are overwhelmed with emotional pain, you need a way to detach so that you can gain control over your feelings and stay safe. As long as you are grounding, you cannot possibly use substances or hurt yourself! Grounding “anchors” you to the present and to reality.
Many people with PTSD and substance abuse struggle with either feeling too much (overwhelming emotions and memories) or too little (numbing and dissociation). In grounding, you attain balance between the two - conscious of reality and able to tolerate it.

-Grounding an be done at any time, any place, anywhere and no one has to know.
-Use grounding when you are: faced with a trigger, having a flashback, dissociating, having a substance craving, or when your emotional pain goes above 6 (on a 0-10 scale). Grounding puts healthy distance between you and these negative feelings.
-Keep your eyes open, scan the room, and turn the light on to stay in touch with the present.
-Rate your mood before and after to test whether it worked. Before grounding, rate your level of emotional pain (0-10, where 10 means “extreme pain”). Then re-rate it afterwards. Has it gone down?
-No talking about negative feelings or journal writing. You want to distract away from negative feelings, not get in touch with them.
-Stay neutral - no judgments of “good” and “bad”. For example, “The walls are blue; I dislike blue because it reminds me of depression.” Simply say “The walls are blue” and move on.
-Focus on the present, not the past or future.
-Note that grounding is not the same as relaxation training. Grounding is much more active, focuses on distraction strategies, and is intended to help extreme negative feelings. It is believed to be more effective for PTSD than relaxing training.

Ways To Ground
Mental Grounding:
-Describe your environment in detail using all your senses. For example, “The walls are white, there are five pink chairs, there is a wooden bookshelf against the wall…” Describe objects, sounds, textures, colors, smells, shapes, numbers, and temperature. You can do this anywhere. For example, on the subway: “I’m on the subway. I’ll see the river soon. Those are the windows. This is a bench. The metal bar is silver. The subway map has four colors…”
-Play a “categories” game with yourself. Try to think of “types of dogs”, “jazz musicians”, “states that begin with ‘A’”, “cars”, “TV shows”, “writers”, “sports”, “songs”, “European cities.”
-Do an age progression. If you have regressed to a younger age (e.g., 8 years old), you can slowly work your way back up (e.g., “I’m now 9”; “I’m now 10”; “I’m now 11”…) until you are back to your current age.
-Describe an everyday activity in great detail. For example, describe a meal that you cook (e.g., “First I peel the potatoes and cut them into quarters, then I boil the water, I make an herb marinade of oregano, basil, garlic, and olive oil…”)
-Imagine. Use an image: Glide along on skates away from your pain; change the TV channel to get to a better show; think of a wall as a buffer between you and your pain.
-Say a safety statement. "My name is____; I am safe right now. I am in the present, not the past. I am located in ____; the date is ____."
-Read something, saying each word to yourself. Or read each letter backwards so that you focus on the letters and not on the meaning of words.
-Use humor. Think of something funny to jolt yourself out of your mood.
-Count to 10 or say the alphabet, very s..l..o..w..l..y.
-Repeat a favorite saying to yourself over and over (e.g., the Serenity Prayer).

Physical Grounding
-Run cool or warm water over your hands.
-Grab tightly onto your chair as hard as you can.
-Touch various objects around you: a pen, keys, your clothing, the table, the walls. Notice textures, colors, materials, weight, temperature. Compare objects you touch: Is one colder? Lighter?
-Dig your heels into the floor - literally “grounding” them! Notice the tension centered in your heels as you do this. Remind yourself that you are connected to the ground.
-Carry a grounding object in your pocket - a small object (a small rock, clay, ring, piece of cloth, or yarn) that you can touch whenever you feel triggered.
-Jump up and down.
-Notice your body: The weight of your body in the chair; wiggling your toes in your socks; the feel of your back against the chair. You are connected to the world.
-Stretch. Extend your fingers, arms or legs as far as you can; roll your head around.
-Walk slowly, noticing each footstep, saying “left”, “right” with each step.
-Eat something, describing the flavors in detail to yourself.
-Focus on your breathing, noticing each inhale and exhale. Repeat a pleasant word to yourself on each inhale (for example, a favorite color or a soothing word such as “safe,” or “easy”).

Soothing Grounding
-Say kind statements, as if you were talking to a small child. E.g., “You are a good person going through a hard time. You’ll get through this.”
-Think of favorites. Think of your favorite color, animal, season, food, time of day, TV show.
-Picture people you care about (e.g., your children; and look at photographs of them).
-Remember the words to an inspiring song, quotation, or poem that makes you feel better (e.g., the Serenity Prayer).
-Remember a safe place. Describe a place that you find very soothing (perhaps the beach or mountains, or a favorite room); focus on everything about that place - the sounds , colors, shapes, objects, textures.
-Say a coping statement. “I can handle this”, “This feeling will pass.”
-Plan out a safe treat for yourself, suck as a piece of candy, a nice dinner, or a warm bath.
-Think of things you are looking forward to in the next week, perhaps time with a friend or going to a movie.

What If Grounding Does Not Work?
-Practice as often as possible, even when you don’t “need” it, so that you’ll know it by heart
-Practice fast. Speeding up the pace gets you focused on the outside world quickly.
-Try grounding for a loooooooonnnnngggg time (20-30 minutes). And repeat, repeat, repeat.
-Try to notice whether you do better with “physical” or “mental” grounding.
-Create your own methods of grounding. Any method you make up may be worth much more than those you read here because it is yours.
-Start grounding early in a negative mood cycle. Start when the substance craving just starts or when you have just started having a flashback.

(Source: psych-student-in-therapy, via freeingeileen)

Filed under grounding dbt bpd emotional regulation mental health therapy recovery borderline personality disorder emotional pain coping skills

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I have a beach body!

Or rather, my mindset has shifted since last summer. Same body as usual, but I’m very excited to take it to the beach.

I am the most excited I think I’ve ever been to be in public in a swimming costume. I still have a paunch like I did the past few years and I wouldn’t be willing to wear a bikini with my belly how it is but I look super cute in both my swimsuits. I’ve been planning cute beach outfits to wear over the top of them. Although I think the first time they’ll get worn is actually at the river. The weather is so nice, my bestie and I intend on swimming in the river when she comes to visit. It’s incredibly nice to do.

Last time some kids saw us swimming in the river and decided they wanted to swim as well and their parents were being really judgemental and going on about all the cow poo in the river and that the pondweed would drown them all but the kids were all “LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKS WE GIVE! THERE ARE NONE! THIS IS SO FUCKING FUN! HA HA YOU CAN’T STOP US! WE ARE ENJOYING OURSELVES! BUT WE’RE NOT FUCKING STUPID SO WE’RE BEING SAFE ABOUT IT TOO!”

(fyi - where do you think treated sewage from coastal towns goes? correct, straight into the sea! I’d rather swim in maybe some diluted cow poo than definitely some diluted human poo. Although I’d happily swim in both really, if I were in a good mood and the weather was warm enough.) 

I wish to set a positive example for kids with overbearing parents again. Do the thing, make sure you are safe, don’t drink the water, don’t go where you can’t touch the bottom if you’re not a great swimmer, stay out of the way of boats, but most importantly - HAVE FUN.

Filed under hee hee touch the bottom body positive beach body